jpmurad

Penetrating Questions

In Speaking into the Silence on June 27, 2008 at 6:43 am

Some questions are so penetrating that I am unwilling to explore its depth.  One of the most difficult questions for me lately has been “What do you want?”  The question has lurked in my mind like a predator.  Sometimes it seems my life is an expression of this question.  How badly do I want it?  Would I be willing to suffer for it?  Give my life for it?  Penetrating…

I have heard it said that the problem for alcoholics is not that they want to much.  It is that they do not want enough.  They settle for much less than is actually available to them.  I relate heavily to this.  I settle for living in jealousy, envy and pride; rather than living in the possibility of what I want actually happening.  I am often discouraged from ‘wanting’ by thoughts that suggest I do not have what it takes.  Basically, aware that I do not have the resources within myself to get what I want.

So, to answer the question means that I step into some uncertainty.  I want to be a writer.  So, I have developed all kinds of elaborate plans about how to accomplish this.  I will go to grad school, become a psychologist, and then have something wise to share in writing.  But, it has also been said, “to fail at the impossible is higher than to succeed at the inevitable.”  The path of grad school is not impossible for me.  I would not be living in hope against hope.  Because I would be settling for a lesser want.

But, to live in the reality of these ‘higher wants’ is to live in a realm of mystery and discovery.  It is to risk.  To truly live.  It also opens me up to the unknown, unexpected and inconvenient.  But, I have never been so alive.

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