jpmurad

Skeptical Silence

In Onward on August 29, 2008 at 5:21 pm

I woke up irritable this morning.  In fact, I was angry that I was irritable.  Have you ever been irritable without knowing why?  That was me this morning.  My wife got the first dose – when I crawled out of bed.  It was the kind of morning that I could not bring myself to write.  I just wanted to know why.  Did I need more space from my writing?  More creative time to just ‘be’ without having to produce?  Had I been neglecting my ‘spiritual’ time in prayer or Bible reading?  I did not know.  I was just irritable.

The last few days, when I have driven home, I have had a similar experience.  A car that did not need to be in front of me, decides to speed up and squeeze in front of me.  This gives that person an extra car length.  It is almost a positioning.  It suggests “I am better than you.” In no way does it get them to their destination sooner.  I’ve been cut off.  Pretty common experience, right?  I mean, I do that-cut people off.  And it frustrates me.  But, the last few days I have had a different experience of this.

My frustration was not with the person, it was merely wanting to get out of the petty games that I go through in my mind.  I no longer want to squeeze through traffic metaphorically “flipping the bird” to those around me.  I don’t want to care if another person gets in front of me.  I just want out of the race; the race I have participated in.  That is how corporate life feels to me.  It is a competition with nuances and political graces that seem trite.  It is not that I cannot play the game.  I can ‘swerve’ in front of coworkers just as well as the next guy.  What am I spinning my wheels for?  Why am I racing to get home from my job?

My job has been extremely busy since I returned from Dana Point.  Since I have an end point in sight, every move counts.  Normally, I am regimented about break times and reading the scriptures throughout the day.  This week, I have cut loose all my old demands on break/lunch times.  I have persisted on projects, as if I could work faster to get to November.  I am ready to be done.  Interesting how my stress level has picked up since I knew I was leaving.

At times the stress seems to mix with a fear of the future.  As I was cycling last night, my buddy Ray did not have much to say in response to my announcement.  It was a skeptical silence.  How will I deal with the change?  Will I make it as a writer?  The questions are there, but they are not nearly as important as what I might gain.  In Dana Point, I took off with a lunch slung over my back.  I walked to the harbor, munching my food as I explored on foot.  I did the same when I returned to work the next day.  I was exchanging rituals and routines for a sense of adventure and exploration.  I felt alive.

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