jpmurad

Division in the Depths

In Eclipse on March 6, 2009 at 12:58 pm

I know I have not written a blog in a while when my profile does not give me the option for a New Post.  Time to sign in again.  Signing in again has been a significant theme for me in the past few days.  That is, signing into relationships.  I am noticing how easy it is for me to take myself out of the conversation with people, out of the relationship.  Staying in the conversation requires that I lean in, when I would prefer to pull back.  It requires that I give more, when I would be tempted to withhold.  Contrary to my nature, for sure…

I have noticed lately, and I see no other forum in which to broach the subject, that I have a strict division in my heart and mind between the secular and the spiritual.  That is, I would prefer to have a secular conversation with a ‘secular audience’ (namely my blog).  I would maintain another profile for a ‘spiritual audience’.  This division attempts to control the conflict I feel.  Namely, I ask, “With whom can I have a deep, meaningful (even spiritual) conversation?”  Am I seeking to control my audience?  The mere fact that I pull back from the conversation tells me something.

So, what conversation have I withheld?  I have chosen not to be in dialogue with people in a vulnerable and honest way about faith.  I sooner assume an heir of spiritual pride and separate myself from the conversation.  Up until now, I have not listened well to the need.  I have not wrestled with similar complaints.

Going forward, I would like to reconciling this divide.  I am committed to re-engaging in conversations I have avoided with friends.  I hope to bring a more authentic self to the table.  Can you relate?

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